What makes you happy?

Take a second...think about it…

What...makes...you...HAPPY?

Is it exercise, pets, sex, a hobby, wine, or maybe it's alone time, volunteering, or just doing what you love? We all have our personal answers to the question, and Harvard researchers, leading one of the longest-running studies on happiness, have a well-supported answer that I find quite compelling...it’s Relationships.

Whether familial, platonic, romantic, or otherwise; relationships, play a critical role in our well-being, identity, and overall satisfaction and fulfillment. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that relationships are a key part of intentional living and in turn strategic motherhood.

As moms, our kids can provide us with infinite joy and are one of life’s most fulfilling relationships, but being a mom also has its challenges. Whether it’s at 3am, when you’re awake, attempting to nurse a colicky baby or the moments when you’re caught in a tug-of-war between work and home demands, motherhood can be ridden with moments of isolation, loneliness, and a deep-seated desire to somehow reconnect with your pre-mommy identity and life. 

Well, the good news is...

Intentional, healthy relationships are the antidote!

In fact, a study conducted by Arizona State University found that satisfying and authentic relationships play a critical role in keeping moms happy. It’s clear that relationships are important, but building and nurturing them, while balancing the responsibilities of being a mom, can often seem like an impossible challenge. 

So to help, I’ve outlined a couple things to focus on:

Understanding Conservation of Energy aka Energy is Life:

If you took physics or chemistry at some point in your life, you may remember the law of the conservation of energy, which states that “energy can neither be created nor destroyed; it can only be transferred from one form to another.”

Whether you realize it or not, every interaction we engage in, whether it be a friend, coworker, or casual acquaintance, all involve a transfer of energy from one individual to the next. The goal is to cultivate relationships with people who give you positive energy, while dedicating less time to those who drain you!

Reflect on the various relationships in your life and ask yourself the following: 

• Which relationships am I most concerned with nurturing? Who do I value/enjoy time with the most? 

• Which relationships give me joy and energy? And which relationships weigh me down?

• Which relationships accelerate or support my near- and long-term goals? And which relationships decelerate or put your goals at risk?

We all do this subconsciously to one extent or another, but formally answering these questions will help you gain a better sense of which relationships need to be prioritized, which relationships are optional, and which relationships need to be severed.

Remember, energy is a valuable commodity for moms and your energy is currency, so spend it well and invest it wisely on relationships that result in, at a minimum, a net neutral return on energy, or ROE. In other words, at a minimum, your relationships should result in an equal level of energy exchange.

Make Time to Make Memories…Intentionally

When we look back on our lives, we probably won’t remember the days spent sitting around, watching TV, or browsing the internet, but we will remember the places we’ve been and the relationships we’ve built. Whether it’s a quick get together for coffee, happy hour, or dinner with friends, going on a trip, or sharing a new experience; each requires time, but they can be life’s most precious moments. No matter how busy our schedule gets, it’s not enough to just identify the relationships we should be investing in; we have to carve out the time to actually invest in them.  

I’ve found that the keys to effectively investing time and cultivating meaningful relationships are being creative and making some sacrifices 

• Be Creative. As moms, we have to be much more purposeful with what we’re doing and how we’re spending our time. Remember and embrace the fact that quality time with those who matter may look a little different as a mom, so be creative; 

  • Incorporate your kids - While you may be able to make some plans without your children, integrating them into your external relationships will allow you to intentionally invest in personal relationships with minimal mommy guilt and babysitting costs. Additionally, many of your friends would actually enjoy being around your child. So, look for ways you can incorporate your kids into your interactions;

    • Setup playdates or plan a vacation with friends that also have kids

    • Go on a date to the zoo or a fun place for kids

    • Host a friend at your home for brunch when the kids are awake or schedule a movie night after they’ve gone to sleep

  • Make your minutes matter...Be intentional with your available time. - Take advantage of transit time or mundane tasks by being intentional. Again, be creative. It isn’t about having the time; it’s about making the time!

    • Check in on a friend or relative on your ride to or from work

    • Invite a friend to join you the next time you go get your nails done or go to the gym

    • Invite a friend over and cook dinner together

• What Are You Willing to Sacrifice? From your children to your significant other, family, friends, or colleagues, to varying degrees, love is the root of all relationships, and love in any form requires some level of selflessness and willingness to sacrifice. What can you sacrifice to make time for your relationships? Can you sacrifice a reality show to invest in your reality? Or cut down on social media to actually be social? You have to put in an effort for the relationships that matter! It will take some sacrifice on your end to make the commitment, but the future return in the form of the relationships themselves and the memories you make along the way will be priceless!

The secret sauce to finding joy in motherhood and more broadly life, is having a tribe. This could be one person, three people, or an entire squad.

The ability to be yourself with other like-minded individuals helps you define and embrace your identity, while providing support and helping you to grow. Make no mistake, relationships require effort, intentionality, and investment, but thankfully, when they’re thoughtfully prioritized and managed, the returns can be exponential: providing more joy, more community, more support, more happiness, and more love!

What more could a girl ask for? 

If you enjoyed this post and would like more information on being intentional with your motherhood, check out my posts on value and goal-based living, intentional self-care, childcare and development, and relationships.